Saturday, July 23, 2011

Adoption? Really Lord?(From the first moment Part 1)

"I'm pretty sure God's calling us to adopt..." WHAT!? These were the words out of my husband's mouth that changed my life forever as soon as they were spoken. We attend Christ Community Church and our pastor was doing a sermon on how the Church needs to be caring for the orphan. They had this amazing series about AIDS children in Africa and I remember all of these darling children's faces smiling for the camera...some were not smiling, but all of their eyes said the same thing, "Will YOU love me?" I however, wasn't as moved as my husband was. I'm pretty sure the reason for that was that my plate was FULL. Duncan, our youngest was barely 18mos or so. Nataleigh and Isannah were 4 and 3...add another child? I think not...and I was happy to inform my loving husband that he must've been listening in on someone else's conversation with the Lord because He had told me NOTHING. Still, Rob was adamant, "Well, I feel it in my heart. I just don't think we are done having kids." Again I was happy to remind him that as far as I was concerned we definitely were and we had gone to special doctors for men to ensure that we were, in fact, DONE. But since my husband knows me so well he left it alone and over the next several weeks were were loaded with tons of information on foster care, adoption, foster-adopt...but still, I wasn't moved. That's not to say that my heart didn't ache for these precious little kids that didn't have a family, but the NEED to adopt definitely wasn't there.

It wasn't until another year later that I was even open to really talking about it. You see, God strategically placed me in a Bible study where all but 2 of the 7 women had adopted kids. Granted, their girls were all from China, but still He was slowly wooing me into the realm of adoption. (He was also wooing me, okay actually propelling me into homeschooling, but we'll talk about that at another time.) I'm not exactly sure how it happened really, maybe it was that Duncan was finally at the stage where potty training is more of a reality and not a threat...or that my kids were growing and not as dependent on me so I felt sucked dry of every life source...but there I was, actually contemplating what it would be like to adopt a child. So many questions screamed out in my mind...first of all how does one love a child that they didn't birth? Would I love this child the same? Could I? What would my biological children think? What does an adoption cost? How could we afford it? Important questions, but the one that stood out in my mind the loudest was: Lord, are you serious? Are you SURE I'm capable!?

It was then that the Lord began to work on my heart. He was constantly giving me reminders that yes, I was capable, and yes, He most certainly was calling me...even in the midst of my fears and doubts, He found me capable...was I willing to allow Him to use me?

It was at this point that God allowed me to be introduced through our church to a biracial family who'd just brought home their 2nd baby. I had met them briefly just 2 weeks before they had brought home their precious African American boy, but when I actually saw him my heart melted. Alright Lord, I'm not sure where we are going on this new path, but if its anything like this beautiful, dark skinned child waiting for us at some point, I'm ready to see what You've got up your sleeve! So around that time all my husband and I could really do was read material, start looking at agencies, talk to anyone who'd adopted, and pray pray pray. In February of 2010 Rob and I were laying in bed talking about names. It was 1130pm and Rob had to get up at 345am for his day shift. It was very odd that we were both still awake since he needed to be sleeping. Discussing baby names I had said, "I really like the name Caleb..." Out of nowhere Rob sat straight up and said "Oh my gosh!? Did you hear that??" 
 " It was the weirdest thing! You seriously didn't hear that!?" 
Okay you are starting to make me nervous; I really didn't hear anything? What did you hear? 
 "I heard 'His name will be Joshua.' but I don't think I really heard it with my ears..." 
Yeah, I am confused, what does that mean?  
 "You know, like Joshua and Jericho..."  And at this point he has flipped on his light and is grabbing his Bible and thumbing frantically to read the book of Joshua.  I'm still completely confused...its almost midnight and suddenly my husband is up and reading the Bible. Not only has this never happened, IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. So as he's reading I'm trying to grasp what has just happened...thinking, hey I know EXACTLY what Daniel's friends felt like when God only spoke to Daniel and they were all praying right next to him!
Rob, all I'm getting right now is Veggie Tales Joshua stuff so, please tell me what on earth you are talking about?
"I don't know Sweetheart, all I know is that I need to read this right now. Joshua was called by God to march around a fortified city. That means that this wall is heavily guarded and thick, like 5 feet thick and its brick alright? And God told him 'walk around the city for 7 days and yell and I will give you victory'. So Joshua obeyed even though it sounded CRAZY and God made the wall fall on the 7th day. I don't know exactly why Holy Spirit said that in my ear, but I just need to read this now."

We had tried to start the process by getting all the necessary paperwork with an agency to do our home study and all the educational classes. But one little glitch: NO MONEY. I was so frustrated because I felt like, okay God, I'm ready to start, I'm ready to do this...why aren't things working out? Well because I had to learn that even though we think we are ready for something doesn't always mean that God agrees with us. So we were put into a time out. LOL I say 'time out' because there is nothing more frustrating or annoying to me than waiting! But being the magnificent God that He is, I was getting a front row seat on the roller coaster of WAITING. Most people will tell you, oh its not that bad, just save up and make a plan. Okay obviously you don't know me AT ALL. Our life isn't that way. We aren't hurting for money because we ALWAYS have exactly what we need, but we aren't having any problem with excess amounts either. When I'm ready to do something, I needed it done...oh like, YESTERDAY. My husband fears when I say 'project' because he knows that it will be done in the next 3 hours...even if he's NOT home to help. Move the couch from the basement to the girls room p 2 flights of stairs? No worries, I got it. New dresser that needs a paint job? Awesome, I bet I have exactly what I need...maybe. So I can almost hear God chuckling when he says, "Robyn, I'm so excited that you are willing to wait, even if you don't want to. But I need your heart to be completely flexible, even if it means waiting another year. Are you seeking my heart?" Wow, ugh, fine...*sigh* Let me tell you something...this last year the Lord has really changed my heart. Waiting IS doing something. I don't twiddle my thumbs and waiting actually makes me nervous and question. It brings doubt in and I'll have you know, renewing my mind and taking thoughts captive have never been so literal. On the other hand, I'm grateful for this last year. I've never been so sharpened or molded. Ive never sought the Lord so intimately and depended on His word and promises so greatly. Would that have happened if I wasn't forced to wait? Certainly not.

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