WHAT IS THAT!? Its...MRSA

Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus 

~ MRSA is a “staph” germ that does not get better with the first-line antibiotics that usually cure staph infections.

When this occurs, the germ is “resistant”to the antibiotic.

It is normal for healthy people to have staph on their skin. Many of us do. Most of the time, it does not cause an infection or any symptoms. This is called “colonization” or “being colonized.” Someone who is colonized with MRSA can spread MRSA to other people.

A sign of a staph skin infection is a red, swollen, and painful area on the skin. Pus or other fluids may drain from this area. It may look like a boil. These symptoms are more likely to occur if the skin has been cut or rubbed because this gives the MRSA germ a way to “get in.” Symptoms are also more likely in areas where there is more body hair due to hair follicles.(MRSA link)

And it is UGLY. Its probably one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had. One that I'm so unbelievably thankful Josh will never really remember...but the effects of this situation will definitely effect him the rest of his life ~ mentally and physically. 

It started out with a small pimple looking whitehead. Ironically, as much as I enjoy 'picking' (as my family likes to put it because as gross as it sounds, I do enjoy picking at peeling sunburns and zits. Get over it, I know its gross. LOL) I was not picking this. Why? For the simple reason it was right above Joshua's groin and I didn't want him to get an infection with a dirty diaper. It showed up on Thursday and I didn't think anything of it. On Friday Joshua was pretty grumpy, but I really thought it was due to him pushing 2 top teeth at once. Low grade fever, lots of snot, drool, GRUMPY. What I didn't realize was that this 'pimple' was very painful and getting bigger fast. In my defense, because Josh is so dark, seeing a 'red' spot is very difficult.  In fact I only noticed it Friday night as a HUGE pimple that as I wiped my poor little baby off, I didn't realize I had put pressure on it and it popped with a loud wet popping sound and TONS of greenish yellow puss came out and he screamed. I felt AWFUL!!!! I didn't know what to do so I wiped him off as gently as I could and put his diaper back on. The next morning his groin area was actually hot to the touch and extremely swollen and he would instantly begin to cry and look very worried that I was going to touch the hurting area. It was hard not to wipe it off since I knew it was getting wet with urine. And sure enough when I opened his diaper Saturday morning it had a huge head on it again. I honestly did not know what to do. I applied a little pressure as I was wiping him off again and more greenish puss came out but this time it was thick and stringy. His fever was still low grade so I gave him a small dose of tylenol to help with the pain, thinking this was going to go away now that it had popped again and seemed to drain. After the puss came a small amount of blood so I stuck a bandaid on it and wrapped him back up in a diaper. I noticed he did not want to be on his tummy and he did not want to straddle my side when I held him. I had to almost cradle him out and away from me. It was so sad...I cried with him a few times. On Sunday his little groin was so swollen and it had also spread up towards his hip. Because I have gone to school for radiology, I knew a little bit about infections and if it spreads what to look for or the possible complications. Rob didn't have to work until Sunday night so I took Josh to Urgent Care where the nurse there said that because his fever was low and he wasn't dehydrated that I could just wait for the appointment I already had for Monday with Dr.Ryan. 

Of course, like all emergency trips go, Joshua spiked a fever of 103.9* at 630pm and Rob had already left for work. This temperature is way to high for teeth and he is miserable. God bless my wonderful mother. I called her on the verge of tears and when she answers, "Hi, Honey Bunny." I loose all composure. (What is it about moms that do that to us? Its like this lifeline is immediately thrown to you  as you hear their voice on the other line...) Anyway, my mom drops everything to come help me. She comes ready for a sleepover since an ER visit is one of the longest and torturous events EVER. This is not our first rodeo. But instead of going to the NCMC and daring the fates by encountering another lovely experience of bloody gangmembers or people barfing up their shoes in the waiting area all in one visit, I headed to the newer Emergency Department out at Summit View. I got in right away; apparently I was the only one having an issue at 845pm on a Sunday night. The male nurses were great. (Had I been in a better frame of mind, I may have even joked and called them Greg, RN, but as it was, a crying baby didn't lend me any opportunity for humor.) Okay let me rephrase that: the male nurses were great UNTIL they tried to start an IV line. My sweet baby is fluffy...he also has deep veins...(we later learned from the nurses at Children's Hospital) so they begin to follow through with the doctor's (who had TERRIBLE bedside manners, which I'm not entirely surprised at, but when dealing with a stressed out mom and a SCREAMING infant I think you may want to touch up your 'personable' skills and put on a HAPPY FACE and oh, it would also help if you knew what the heck you are talking about. Just sayin'.)  orders for a pointless IV...And they kept on trying...at least 10-12 times. Tops of both of my son's hands, tops of his little feet, and even on the inside of his arms. 

Ask me how awesome it was to have to HOLD my 9month old son down for an HOUR AND A HALF while they jab a needle into his skin and root around for a vein. I SOBBED THE WHOLE TIME. And this is what makes me the most infuriated: THEY NEVER TOOK LABS. THEY NEVER TOOK SAMPLES. THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE HAD. SO instead of calling our Pediatrician and asking how to proceed, the doctor ordered a shot that didn't even cover MRSA and he never came in to apologize because he WANTED an IV when this shot could have been given to my baby in his leg, which they ended up doing anyway.  I had no idea what to do!? I had no idea that I could say, "Stop, that is enough." Which just makes me even more furious with myself that I wasn't more brave to go against the medical 'authority.' THAT will NEVER happen again. 



SO at 1230am we left and went home. His groin was now swollen and the infected area was 3inx2in. It was huge and hot and so painful. Each diaper change ended with both of us crying. Joshua had his 9month appointment with Dr.Ryan at 11 and when we got in there and Dr.Ryan saw Josh he came UNGLUED. I was so relieved that I broke down crying...shameful, but I admit, I couldn't do anything else. If I may say, Dr.Ryan and his nurse Christine are the most wonderful people. I know this sounds corny, but without the mushy or weird aspect, I can honestly say that I feel loved by them. Like Dr.Ryan genuinely cares for our family and my kids. I can't say that about many doctors I've ever encountered. After a few phone calls to Children's Hospital, Dr.Ryan ushered us out the door and told me to get down to the Children's ER fast because Joshua's abscess needed to be incised and drained. Rob and I sent the older kids off with my mom and packed up and headed down to the ER at Children's down in Aurora. We were told that we may need to stay overnight, so I packed what I thought we may need. Pulling into the parking garage at 230 we beat it into the ER. It was probably the nicest ER I have ever seen. It was actually more like a museum of pictures and colors and high ceilings and EXTREMELY nice employees. It took my breath away. 

LAST RESERVE NERVE

So we were signed into triage and waited...and waited...and....waited. Until about 530pm when we were shown back to a room down the Yellow Hall. Keep in mind that Joshua's last bottle or food was at 1030am...and he's getting super hungry and I'm pretty sure that I looked like Medusa. The lady that was in and out of the ER waiting room, or Hospitality volunteer, was so sweet. I think she read people really well...or just read me very well since she was fast to go ask any nurse she could find pertaining to our case about when Josh could eat since I was on my LAST RESERVE NERVE. (for those of you who don't know what a 'reserve nerve' is...its that nerve that you don't even know is there until you are grappling with your emotions and the veins in your eyes are basically popping out of your head. Or when you begin to looking like  Scrat from the Ice Age Movies.) We had the BEST care!!!! Our ER nurse was AMAZING. After hearing about our visit to the ER just 9 hours before, she was super careful with Josh and had another nurse assist her while she put in an IV. After 2 pokes she had that IV in good!!!!

(on a side note: the one thing about adoption that I think many people question or as an adoptive parent, I have feared is not having that strong attachment with my child. That he wouldn't want me or he wouldn't be attached to me...after our first ER visit all of those doubts were OBLITERATED. My son reached for me as he cried and once in my arms, CLUNG to my neck as though for dear life. While not in the circumstances I'd ever want to be in, the Lord has been faithful in answering my prayers as well as breaking those damaging chains of fear regarding attachment with my precious son. And since that night he actually HUGS us. He reaches for us and smiles while reaching, knowing that a loving embrace is sure to come.  And he snuggles us...which is by far the sweetest thing.) 

We met the Med Student and shortly after her, our ER doctor came in. Seriously, I am so thankful for quick prayers. Ones I didn't even know I had uttered, but ones loud enough that the Lord heard and ANSWERED ~ STAT! Our doctor was HILARIOUS. He was honest and very knowledgable, however his bedside manner was exactly what we needed. The perfect combination of quirky and sarcastic and kind. It sounds like it couldn't be like that, but he was. Joking with Rob and I while we waited for his direction. It turned out to be a very good thing that I didn't rebelliously feed Josh since we were told to prepare for Joshua's little surgery. Because he was only 9 months old and it wasn't a long nor intense surgery they were only going to partially sedate him: a conscious sedation with Ketamine. When the nurses started to get everything ready in our room Josh was highly suspicious and was not happy when he saw our nurse come at his IV with a needle. Poor baby... :( But the doctor warned me that it'd be less than 10 seconds for the Ketamine to take effect. Holy crap, he wasn't kidding...he went limp right away. Rob said that Ketamine is basically a horse tranquilizer. But safe that Josh wouldn't remember the pain. Even while being sedated and they began his procedure he started to cry and they had to hold him down because he began to move. I couldn't handle it. I also hadn't eaten in  24 hours and began to feel extremely weak and almost faint. The doctor told us to go to the cafeteria for something to eat since the surgery would only be 15 minutes and it'd take Josh at least 30 minutes to come out of the sedation. 

We ate and came back to hear Josh losing his ever lovin' mind. HOLY CRAP. Rob ran into the room and snatched him up and Josh immediately began to calm down. I was in shortly after him and when Josh heard my voice, even in his dazed state he began looking for me. Once safely tucked away in my arms, he stopped fussing and the nurse had us moved into a different room. The doctor came in once we were settled and told us how things had happened. Joshua actually had 3 abscesses. (What was once known as a 'boil' is now known as an 'abscess') Two of which had to be drained and the 3rd was just beginning. The first 'pocket' was 1cm under the skin and they drained 5ml of puss from it. THAT IS HUGE!? The second wasn't nearly as deep nor did it have as much puss. (We didn't learn until 4 days later that these abscesses had been caused by MRSA.) After being moved to our own room, we were told that Josh would have to stay hooked up to an IV for 3 heavy doses of Cleocin; one dose by IV every 6 hours. They had to monitor him while he had these and to make sure there wasn't further infection. I was relieved...other than Natty's brief jaunt to the ER resulting in 5 stitches to her lip, this was our first surgery type procedure for any of our kids. I don't do as well as I'd like when my kids are in pain like this and I'm completely uneducated in what to do. However, being in that little room without any sort of time reference, I had no idea if it was 3pm or 3am...no windows was weird! Rob left around midnight to go get a few things, including Joshua's pillow and favorite blanket. It was so sweet; as soon as Daddy walked in with his blankie and pillow and I situated him on it so his IV wouldn't be in the way, Joshua nuzzled his blanket and moaned and immediately fell asleep. It was wonderful since my beloved hubby brought me my pillows as well so I could sleep. Other than waking up groggy for the nurses checking or administering meds, we all slept until 9am.

We left Tuesday afternoon and were back in to see Dr.Ryan every day for the next 10 days. Wound checks are something else. Especially on very RAW emotions. I was a mess. Josh would begin to tense up and it was all I could do not to start crying...WOW. At one point Dr.Ryan had said that I would have to learn how to 'repack' Joshua's incision. UHM NO. And not only No, but HELL NO. The incision was packed with 10in tape and each day I had to remove a small part of it so that it would close from the inside out. This was bad enough seeing it drain, knowing that I had NO idea what it was supposed to look like. I'm an EXTREMELY visual person. I learn by watching and doing...so not knowing was SO STRESSFUL for me. One diaper change resulted in the last of the tape coming out. I almost freaked. Fortunately, I had the doctor's office on speed dial and they told me to come in right away and they'd check it. This is why I love our Pediatrician office...SUPERB SERVICE. 

After 7 days of a HORRIBLE tasting medicine and trying to get it down him, Joshua is completely healed and back on track. Now, because we found out it was MRSA we have to be very intentional about keeping an eye on his 'pimples.' It doesn't matter if it turns out to be nothing and goes away on its own, I'm probably more along the lines of OVERTHETOP. I have scoured the internet for information on MRSA. I always try to take Western Medicine with a grain of salt and do what I can naturally to work the preventative measures thing. I often get information from several natural websites, including Dr.Mercola's website. It was there I learned that there is a specific enzyme in living garlic that actually KILLS MRSA!!!! Just a week after our trip to Children's Josh got another little pimple. I was taking NO chances. Smirk if you will, but I immediately put my baby in a warm bath with minced garlic. Oh yes, he smelled to high Heaven and my older children called him a baby onion for the rest of the day! But guess what, that pimple was gone the next day. And just 3 days ago he got another pimple, and this particular one grew and was looking VERY scary to me when I remembered the garlic. You know it, I RAN my happy rear to the cupboard and found a sprouting garlic clove and actually put it right on this little pimple. After an hour I removed the garlic juice, cleaned this spot thoroughly, and put a bandaid on it. That little pimple was gone in 2 days. Call me crazy, whatever you want...but I'm the one who has lived this with my precious baby and I don't give a rat's patoot if you think it probably wasn't or that garlic had nothing to do with it. I KNOW it did. Heres a little bit more information that I've learned: 

  ~  MRSA infections can also occur in healthy people who have not recently been in the hospital. Most of these MRSA infections are on the skin or less commonly lung infections. People who may be at risk are:

• Athletes and other people who may share items such as towels or razors
• Children in day-care
• Members of the military
• People who have gotten tattoos
  
  
  ~MRSA is any strain of Staphylococcus aureus that has developed resistance to beta-lactam antibiotics, which include the penicillins (methicillin, dicloxacillin, nafcillin, oxacillin, etc.) and the cephalosporins. Strains unable to resist these antibiotics are classified as methicillin-sensitive Staphylococcus aureus, or MSSA. The development of such resistance does not cause the organism to be more intrinsically virulent than strains ofStaphylococcus aureus that have no antibiotic resistance, but resistance does make MRSA infection more difficult to treat with standard types of antibiotics and thus more dangerous.wikipedia
  ~Commonsense, All-Natural Approaches to Protect Yourself From MRSA

  First and foremost, everyone needs to take the issue of antibiotics seriously. This is of course an issue that must be addressed on a large scale, both within modern medicine and agriculture, but you also need to evaluate your own use of antibiotics, and avoid taking them – or giving them to your children -- unless absolutely necessary. Unless everyone starts to pay attention to when and how they use these drugs, the problem will never be solved

  Aside from that, here are a few other sound methods that can greatly hinder the spread of infectious disease, including MRSA.

      Wash your hands -- The most important of which is to adhere to proper hygiene, such as washing your hands with soap and water. Handwashing, which is one of the oldest and most powerful antibacterial treatments, may be the key to preventing MRSA (staph infections).

  According to a Johns Hopkins study, the best way for patients to avoid such infections is for doctors and nurses to simply wash their hands before touching a patient. This is the most common violation in hospitals. According to findings by The Times, in the worst cases, as few as 40 percent of staff members comply with hand-washing standards, with doctors being the worst offenders.

  But even the best hospitals typically boast no better than 90 percent compliance — which means one out of 10 practitioners may have contaminated hands.

  Guidelines to proper handwashing include:

  • Wash your hands for 10 to 15 seconds with warm water
  • Use plain soap
  • Clean all the nooks and crannies of your hands, including under fingernails
  • Rinse thoroughly under running water
  • Use a paper towel to open the door as a protection from germs that harbor on handles

  Remember to AVOID using antibacterial soaps. These soaps are completely unnecessary and could easily do more harm than good. As a matter of fact, the antibacterial compounds found in most of these soaps are another likely contributing factor to the spread of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

      Invest in copper -- Making door handles, taps and light switches from copper could also help defeat antibiotic-resistant superbugs, according to scientists. Researchers have discovered that copper fittings rapidly kill bugs in hospital wards, succeeding where other infection control measures fail.

  Lab tests show that the metal can effectively kill off both the deadly MRSA and C difficile superbugs. It also kills other dangerous germs, including the flu virus and the E coli food poisoning bug.

  In tests sponsored by the Copper Development Association Inc. (the Latin-American arm of the International Copper Association), a grouping of 100 million MSRA bacterium atrophied and died in a mere 90 minutes when placed on a copper surface at room temperature. The same number of MSRA bacteria on steel and aluminum surfaces actually increased over time.

  It is likely that by installing copper faucets, light switches, toilet seats and push plates in germ infested areas, hospitals and nursing homes could quite literally save thousands of lives each year.

  You could also consider taking the same measures in your own home, especially if you care for someone with chronically poor immune function.

      Use natural disinfectants – As with antibacterial hand soaps, antibacterial house cleaners are also best avoided. A natural all-purpose cleanser that works great for kitchen counters, cutting boards and bathrooms is 3% hydrogen peroxide and vinegar. Just put each liquid into a separate spray bottle, then spray the surface with one, followed by the other.

      Eat garlic – Researchers have found that allicin, the active compound in garlic, is an effective, natural “antibiotic” that can eradicate even antibiotic-resistant bugs like MRSA. An added boon is that the bacteria appear incapable of developing a resistance to the compound.

  However, it is important to note that the garlic must be fresh. The active ingredient is destroyed within one hour of smashing the garlic. Garlic pills are virtually worthless and should not be used.

  Instead, compress the garlic with a spoon prior to swallowing it if you are not going to juice it. If you swallow the clove intact you will not convert the allicin to its active ingredient.Dr.Mercola's link about Garlic

  I want you to know that this is just my opinion and my experience. However, if you are dealing with MRSA, I completely sympathize. It sucks! I've included links to some of the websites I've used. Good luck and I hope this helps!

Time Marches On

Soooo...I know, I'm way off on the blogging thing...AGAIN. However, I have 4 REALLY good excuses. Alright, so mainly I have ONE really good excuse and he's really cute and squishy and makes A LOT of noise. (No, its not Rob.)
Okay, enough of the suspense...
Its a wombat cookie face. And yes, he is THAT cute and THAT DIRTY. In ALL of his glory, Joshua is now 7 1/2 months old and absolutely the apple of our eyes. This kid is very vocal. (I LOVE that our dear friend in FL says, "Girl, dat becuz he black and proud of it!" Yes Caldonia...he most certainly is!!!) Although my other theory is that he's the baby of the family (for the time being) and feels the need to put in his 2 cents...even if its at 230am, 330am, and then again at 430AM. Why must there be a fiesta in the wee hours of the morning? I don't know, but I'm so very thankful for the new mattress on the bottom bunk that I have had the privilege of sleeping on when I'm just too tired to go back to my own bed. Holy smokes going from 4 year old to infant has been a ROUGH transition! (I FEEL OLD!) Add to the fun that Josh is especially cranky because of the two bottom teeth he's trying to push through...AT THE SAME TIME. DEAR>LORD>HAVE>MERCY.

"Mommy...seriously?"

Josh is SUCH a joy. He is quick to smile and has the most contagious laugh. He's not quite crawling yet. Actually he hasn't displayed any interest in it either. I introduced Josh to my good friend's little boy who's about 6 weeks younger than Josh and is already army crawling and actually moving his feet for walking if you hold Gunner up...

Gunner checking Josh out

I tried to show Josh and help him observe Gunner, but Josh was more concerned that mommy was holding another baby...so it was mostly a failed lesson of sharing rather than crawling competitions. At first I was abit concerned...then I remembered that there are 3 older siblings that fight (almost constantly) over who gets to hold the baby. GOOD.GRIEF!!!!! I'm always having to remind his big sisters that they need to leave him alone...Josh gets super annoyed after awhile and just wants some space and so his main form of announcing this little tidbit is to shriek this scream that makes my eyeballs and eardrums vibrate in unison. LOL WOWZERS. He is really good at sitting up and at his last appointment, Dr.Ryan told me that he has really good trunk control. Thats good...'cuz this boy has a big trunk!!! At his 6month appointment he was one ounce from 20lbs. NO WONDER HE'S SO HEAVY AFTER A SHORT TIME HOLDING HIM!?

Joshua in the MOBY with daddy on our WY hike!

I still haul him around in the MOBY, but he's almost too heavy and too grabby for me to do any chores in the house. I struggle some days with not getting anything done because he doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and being put in the bouncer is not only unacceptable, he will not even have it in sight! YIKES...so praying for the Lord to help me prioritize my time while he's napping is crucial lately.  There are days that I'm completely exhausted, wondering why the Lord trusted me so much as to give me 4 children, but then I am grateful because we asked Him to bless our life.

 I have seen my husband transform into this AMAZING, compassionate man. He has always been wonderful, but in the last year I have watched my husband struggle and wrestle with the Lord in ways that have ultimately changed his heart and attitude. While Rob and I both struggle to maintain a 'normal' schedule (is that really even realistic on a cop's shift work?) for our childrens' sake, it has been a cobblestone path of trial and error. But as I look back at the intricate design of our winding path with odd colors and chips in our stones, I see that God has been the pavement holding our cobblestones together and the soil that those stones are laid upon that have held our little family together to weather whatever storms have come. And let me tell you, we have had a few hail storms and hurricane type winds!

OH! A very interesting tip I received was from Duncan a few days ago in the car...when he announced to Rob and I that he and Josh were, in fact, TWINS! Nono, he's very serious...they are twins. "Mom!? I'm telling you! Josh and I are twins!"
 Rob and I look at each other with a bit of humor and Rob looks at him in the rearview mirror, "Buddy, Joshua is your brother, but you aren't twins...I'm sorry. You are his BIG brother..." Incredulously Duncan looks at his father and retorts, "Uhm, yeah Dad we are. See? We have the same birthday. We are twins!"

my twins :)

"Duncan, your birthday is in May. Josh's birthday is in January. You are BROTHERS...not twins. Do you know what 'twins' means? It means you came out of the same mommy...at the SAME time."
"Dad!? We did come out of the same mommy!"
"Son, I hate to break it to you, but you came out of Mommy's tummy and Josh came out of his birth moms' tummy...so...can't be twins. And you are 5...Josh is a baby...do you understand?" Duncan was having NONE.OF.THIS. But he saw that he wasn't going to make us see his point of view and said, "Well, we are." I LOVE THIS ABOUT MY OLDEST SON!!!! He sees NOTHING different about his baby brother, rather Josh is an extension of himself...it makes me cry because my son has learned what some ADULTS are NEVER going to see nor want to learn: LOVE IS COLOR BLIND.

Recently I was completely sickened to my very core...disgusted to the point of vomiting. I mean, I KNEW that we'd run into racial slurs that would make anyone cringe...but I expected it to be from people I didn't actually know personally...certainly not friends...or those I thought to be. WOW. And here I thought my 'mama bear' was only engaged on the playground with the mean kids...HOLY FREAKING LOOK OUT...frothing at the mouth, get a brown bag to breathe in because I'm hyperventilating just try to maintain my COMPOSURE in front of my older kids... who can SEE that my eyeballs are about to pop out of my skull and by the sheer look of utter terror on their faces, something ugly is gonna happen...everyone take cover 'cuz Mama's about to lose her mind. (Have you gotten a picture of my bodily reaction to these comments? LOL!) This person actually asked me (KNOWING we have completed Josh's adoption) if we were 'trying build an f'ing plantation' because I mentioned that we were going to adopt at least once more. I.KID.YOU.NOT. At the moment this remark was said I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the floor and breath left my lungs. (It wasn't until much later when the words this person said actually registered in my brain and my children ran for cover and my eyeballs shot out of my skull like pingpong balls...so I had to look on Pinterest and learn how to put my eyeballs back into my head without damaging them further~FYI baking soda is a great way to help with that! heehee). I could not wrap my mind around what I just heard nor could my heart endure the fact that our family will surely face situations like this in the future. I guess because Josh is an INFANT (and completely delicious at that) I naively thought we wouldn't be encountering things like this for awhile. (Yes, and if you notice I admitted being NAIVE) I FORGET THAT MY SON IS BLACK! I FORGET THAT I DID NOT BIRTH THIS PRECIOUS CHILD! I'm actually shocked when people ask me if Joshua is my baby. However I get the BIGGEST kick out of my closest friends and family saying that Josh looks like me. I LOVE hearing this...I think my children are the most beautiful children God created...I understand I'm completely bias, but that is my right as their mother!!!! (I will admit that sometimes I think Duncan is much more 'beautiful' when he's in a DEEP sleep)

I totally get that we live in a community where diversity is NORMAL and that being a 'mixed' or biracial family is COMMON. But I absolutely do not believe that its okay for ANYONE to be so disrespectful or just flat out RACIST and ugly...especially about a child. If skin is stripped away, a body is a body is a body. Why does it matter so much!? Why!? I absolutely understand that its different here in the middle of America than it is in the south!? But I'm finding that its the WHITE population that seems to think that they can just say whatever the heck they feel like saying; to hell with the consequences and to hell with whoever hears their ugly and destructive words! And I feel like its not even FIRST GENERATION who has the biggest mouth about their beliefs regarding race and 'mixing cultures!?' Its the 2nd and 3rd who have to run their mouths like they know from personal experience. It makes me crazy. I have a physical reaction to the ignorance and flat out STUPIDITY that runs like verbal diarrhea from the mouthes of these kinds of people...okay have you ever seen Toy Story 3? You know the monkey that is watching the monitors in the office that bangs the cymbals? THAT IS ME!!!!! I'm not kidding...the freaking out motion with the arms banging together is me...except I'm making other sounds along with the screeching. 

Anyway, these are the things that have been occupying my mind. But mostly, I love my life...and the idea of all that can be as long as we continue to seek the Lord's heart and will. So much excitement and faith that surrounds the decisions we make that will inevitably shape our future. (and yes, I was very serious when I mentioned that Josh is the baby...FOR NOW...) Ahhhhhh, back to life for the moment though...hungry cranky baby that needs to go to bed with a full belly and some undivided mommy time. Yep, its a great way to end a long day. :)

Just a little information

YAY! So exciting. Our Colorado agency that we used for our adoption with Joshua, Colorado Adoption Center, has a website that you can check out! We LOVED every part of our journey with this agency. Our case workers were absolutely there for us and are still very much apart of our lives. I hate when I hear stories of families that had NIGHTMARISH experiences with any agency, but so excited to be able to share another option with families wanting to walk down the adoption road.

Its not an easy road...at.all. Its hard...and emotional...but honestly, WHAT PREGNANCY ISN'T!? I've been pregnant 3 times and let me tell you, with all due respect, our paper pregnancy with Josh was by far the hardest. Not because of stretch marks I received as a physical attribute of growing a precious child in my womb or the weight roller coster, but emotional and mental stretch marks that built my faith and grew my heart, instead of my body. There is nothing more intimate than walking through an adoption with your family. I'm not talking about extended family, but rather the immediate family that grieves to hold the child you know God has in mind for your family. Our older children have loved Joshua from the moment we began talking about him and only grew stronger the moment we walked in the door and introduced Josh to them as they anxiously bounced around in ecstasy, eager to see his precious face in person. They KNEW Josh was apart of our family and loved him unconditionally. I might also add that my daughters, who are 8 and 7, have come to the conclusion that I'm incompetent as a parent since I'm CONSTANTLY having to remind them that I am capable of handling the baby on my own... and he actually needs to be set down so he can learn to crawl and eventually walk. Since they find this preposterous, I'm hoping he actually learns to crawl BEFORE he's 3.

At any rate, I absolutely wanted to get the word out there that CAC's website it up and ready to view!!! We would recommend them EVERY time to ANYONE looking to adopt. They are HONEST and CARE ABOUT THEIR FAMILIES AND BIRTH MOMS. We plan on using them again with our next adoption...I pray that God makes your paths straight and gives you wisdom as you seek His will. May God bless you as you embrace adoption!!!!!!! (you can click on 'Colorado Adoption Center' for their direct link!)

....The Rest of the Story (*insert Paul Harvey's voice*)

Yep, thats it! We are DONE!!!! Done with what?

Erika & the Riggins kiddos

Josh's adoption is COMPLETED!

May 10th, 2012 Finalization Day!

All the Riggins and 'Grama Judy'

I'm still in a bit of a shock or daze...can't pick a word to really describe it. Except to say that it went a lot faster than I thought it would. We were so blessed to have 2 amazing people help us that day! Judy is our Notary and Erika is our beloved friend who watches our kids often.

 A little recap:
*In February of 2011 we began the paperwork with our Colorado agency, Colorado Adoption Center.
*In April of 2011 we were put on the family list and began paperwork for our Florida agency, Christian Family Services in Gainesville.
*In June of 2011 we became home study approved...thus beginning our 'waiting purgatory' (Thank you Randee...I will ALWAYS be using this marvelous adjective for what the waiting is really like ~LOL).
*In July of 2011 we applied for the JSC Foundation's grant and received $8000 it in September, taking care of our placement fee.
*On January 7th, 2012 at 11am we received 'THE CALL' and left at 530pm that same day for Florida. We pulled into Christian Family Services on January 9th, 2012 wrapped up paperwork and headed over to the hospital to met our precious son, Joshua, who was born on January 6th, 2012 around 3pm FL time. How amazing and faithful is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who lead us into the adoption world on shaky and wobbly feet to come out strong and in awe of the miracle of adoption. What a perfect picture, that we got to experience first hand, of His unconditional love. To see and meet our son and fall in love with him absolutely, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was, in fact, OUR son. Knitted together by the Lord's hands, loved so deeply by his precious birth mother, and designed so specifically for our family. When I look at my children and see how miraculous each one is, I'm humbled to my knees, knowing that the Lord handed me the most incredible privilege of being their mommy. What an honor to have such a huge responsibility that the Lord HIMSELF CHOSE FOR ME. While it is sure to be a long road, its one that is marked with sounds of laughter and tears, heartache and immense JOY. How deeply engraved are my children on my heart and each day that passes I grow more and more sure of who God created me to be as their mommy. Such an awesome gift!!!

*May 10th, 2012 we nervously awaited the call from our lawyer to come in. We were set to 'appear in court' by phone with our case worker, Monique and our FL attorney, Mitch. Our judge is a man known for his passion for adoption and the lives of the children he sets in each special Forever family. It wasn't a long call at all, but as Rob and I stood in our kitchen with our dear friend & Notary, Judy, it was hard to imagine that the journey we had been on for what seemed like so long was about to come to an end. What an enormous relief it was to hear these much coveted words, "...its official, this adoption for Joshua Connor is final." I could FEEL the smiles in the room that we were only hearing and the joy that the Judge felt as he asked me, "So, is Joshua sleeping through the night yet?" which I was trying so hard to control my shaky-from-tears voice, "Not quite yet, but we are working on it." And hearing the chuckles of understanding from our case worker, attorney, and Judge, I knew that again, God had lead the way, knowing exactly who needed to be in our court room and so joy-filled Himself that we had followed by FAITH and not sight. We could have never found our way here without His very clear leading. Tears of relief, joy, and exhaustion rolled down my cheeks as I looked at my sleeping son, who had no idea how much we had worked to get to that day.

I think its very similar for each of us, as God's children. How far He does go and Jesus was our very obvious sacrifice that God made to love us and to be with us. When He sees us He doesn't see the 'sister' or the 'aunt' or the 'husband' or most importantly, He never sees us as 'the grandchild.' He sees us as His CHILD. There is no inlaw or grand, step or half when God looks at us...there is nothing but His OWN CHILD. This absolutely amazes me because how often do we feel the pressure of what other people think about us and take it on as though that is how the Lord must think about us? I know I certainly have, only to realize that no, I'm a daughter of the Lord Most High...created and established IN HIM. His thoughts, His words...everything that I am...IS FOUND IN HIM. The ONLY identity worth having is my identity that is found in Jesus. No matter what crappy, untrue words that are spoken about me do not matter...why? Because Jesus knows me. He knows ME. He sees my heart and is the ONLY ONE that has the authority to judge me...NO MATTER WHAT. Which is why I can stand FIRMLY on the knowledge that each of my beautiful children was given to me, with confidence, BY GOD HIMSELF. He knew I was capable, even when I didn't. He knew I was able, even if others questioned it. He knows that I will always call out to Him in my distress and holds me up when I'm too weak to stand. When I am weak...HE IS STRONG. Such true joy is found in obedience...

May 10th, 2012

And for the simple, yet complex task of obeying, I can say with all my heart...ADOPTION IS SUCH A BLESSING!!!

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY JOSHUA!!!!!

Alittle shut eye would do the memory good... ;)

Yikes, I realized that I left out some details that are extremely important.
As I said in several other blogs, Rob and I are not the sort of family that has an issue trying to find a place for all those 'extra' coins. In fact, the mere mention of the price tag that comes with adoption, whether its domestic or international, was enough to make you faint straight away. To the point where Rob and I questioned often if we were really supposed to adopt because it wasn't exactly 'in the budget!'

When we decided we were supposed to do our garage sale last summer and asked for donations, I remember standing in Michelle and Cory Dalpra's garage PACKED full and asking her, "Hey, think we can get $3500 out of this?" She laughed and said, "Well...I think you'll get $1000...!?" Awesome...not exactly what I was hoping for, but I can tell you that I distinctly 'heard' the Lord tell me, "I'll provide the FULL amount." Okay, that's it Lord?...could you give me another hint...? Like, what full amount...the amount I need by next week (when we had to fulfill our $2500 for our birth mom fees, remaining fees for our post placement fees for CO, and our application fee for CFS ~ we needed $3750)....or do you mean like the F.U.L.L AMOUNT...and I'm laughing because I think that the Lord tells us what we can HANDLE. This revelation with the Lord saying the 'full amount' meant that yes, for that weekend, he was going to provide the FULL amount ...we made $1870 from our garage sale and a friend donated $2500. So that right there people was EXACTLY what we needed...RIGHT THEN. And then Lord didn't tell me anymore until He chose to! lol

Obviously we wanted to do all that we could to raise money because adoption IS expensive. This is another reason we chose Christian Family Services, Gainesville, FL. They were SIGNIFICANTLY less expensive than 90% of the agencies we looked into. Our case worker, Monique will tell you that I asked point blank, okay, whats wrong with you guys...why are you so much more affordable?

  (Let me just rabbit trail here for a second. I LOATHE that when I say "affordable" or "expensive" or anything dealing with money it makes me feel as though I'm somehow putting a price on  life of a child. This is NOT the case...its just the facts of what an adoption looks like and it almost felt like these other agencies charging $17,000+ for a PLACEMENT FEE were selling babies. I'm just saying...it felt WRONG. If there are truly 147 MILLION children needing a home, WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE!?!?!?!?)

 

She was fast to answer. "We do not believe in selling babies. This isn't just a job, its a ministry and a life that God has brought into the world and its our belief that its our responsibility to help that child find the home God designed for them. We don't have the normal fees that the other agencies do because we don't have the expenses. Obviously we have to pay for our social workers and our building and the expenses that go with having a business, but we aren't in this to get rich or make money...we do this because we are called to take care of the orphans." Uhm...yes, this is what solidified where we felt God leading us. CFS it is! I will tell you that they don't charge a flat fee of $17,000...or any other ridiculous fee that makes NO sense whatsoever. They charge 13% of your annual GROSS income, NOT to exceed $15,000. SO guess what, even if you make millions of dollars a year there is a cap of $15,000. This is amazing. They are not secretive about where your money goes. I had people try to tell me that we were 'being taken for a ride' and 'someone's gettin' rich!' Bottom line, we knew our agency was honest and the whole integrity part made it very easy to work with them. ;) Plus I cannot tell you how many times I'd call and talk to Monique (for waaay too long~ sorry Monique! LOL) for reassurance, information, or just needing to talk to someone who knew. I can't begin to express how much it meant...I can say that our agency KNEW US WELL...or knew ME well! 

Now, there are a lot of grants and loans and options for adoption fees. A few options we were not comfortable with because we did not feel that going INTO debt was something God was asking us to do just to adopt. Raising support was incredibly humbling...we sent out a 'support letter' and held a spaghetti dinner. We looked into many grants, but found that we didn't qualify for some, we missed some of the deadline dates, or it was only for international adoptions. However, we found JSC Foundation and met all the requirements! We applied in June when we were finally 'home study ready' (which, FYI, if you are not done with your home study you cannot apply) and found out we had received a grant from JSC in September! SO not only were our fees paid for to date (our home study, post placement, 2 applications, birth mom fees, and all the little odds and ends that cost alittle), but now our placement fee was completely paid for!!!! The largest sum was done...GOD!? YOU JUST ROCKED MY SOCKS OFF!!!! Okay so all that was left was a finalization fee of $995...but in my mind I just thought, okay...taxes are comin...so no need to worry about that. Then, as we are driving across Kansas, our Colorado case worker, Tammie, texted me and alerted me to an interesting tidbit. "Hey, I'm sending your FL agency a check for $1000 from a donation that came in." OOOOHHHHH MY GOSH WWWHHHHAAAAATTTT??????????
 "Rob, someone just donated a serious amount....OUR ADOPTION IS COMPLETELY PAID FOR." We both stared out the windshield for awhile...and instantly I heard the Lord tell me again, "I will provide the full amount." 

So when we were signing paperwork at CFS before going to meet Josh, Jerry laughed as he handed us paperwork and told us, "This is a first for us...we've never actually handed over a check AND a baby!" Wrap your mind around this with me. Our adoption is paid for. God used people who were ready and willing to bless us with an unimaginable gifts, both large and small. Every bit of it counted...every prayer, every dollar, every donation ~ for a garage sale or individual amounts, every hug, every tear, every single bit of this has counted.

(Side note: A HUGE THANK YOU to our donors. Without your constant support, both prayerfully and financially, we would not be where we are. God heard EVERY one of your prayers for us and we cannot express our gratitude. To those of you who I have leaned on heavily for emotional support...is THANK YOU ENOUGH? Each of you holds a very dear place in our hearts and are so thankful that we can share our family's life journey with YOU!)

 And the biggest humbling fact? I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!! I didn't help the money come in...I sure did pray and I definitely worried about it until the very end when the Lord proved that He's OBVIOUSLY more than capable...why did I ever doubt? 

I want to encourage those of you who are beginning the adoption paperwork, are in the midst of waiting for a referral or match with a birth mom, or those who are just beginning to CONSIDER adoption and you see the dollar signs bombarding your computer screen. DO.NOT.LET.THIS.DETOUR.YOU.FROM.GOD'S.CALLING.

 Its not going to be easy. Its going to require your emotions and be heart-wrenching when you can't see the end or understand what the Lord is doing. However, I firmly believe that when the Lord calls us to further His Kingdom and take care or the orphan, 

HE ALWAYS EQUIPS YOU. 

HE ALWAYS PROVIDES.

 HIS PLAN IS ALWAYS BEST. 

Our story is proof that God is faithful and his promises never come back empty. The Lord WANTS to delight and dazzle us! What loving parent doesn't enjoy SURPRISING His children?

 Well get set...God's gonna ROCK YOUR SOCKS OFF!!!!!

Wait...what?

Eek, I'm apparently not as good at blogging as I thought! I get into a funk of thinking, why should I even say anything and then remember, uhm, I can because, well I can. HA! Wow, now that that has been said I will continue! Everyone asks, "So where are you in your adoption? Any baby news?" I'm answering that question...no, no news...we haven't heard anything...and we are just WAITING.

I have been hesitant to say anything negative because the last thing I want to do is give adoption a negative twist. It couldn't be further from my heart, but what I realized that this, the WAITING IS APART OF ADOPTION and guess what? IT IS HARD!!!! It is probably the hardest part of the entire process. At the beginning of our adoption journey I had many people tell me that adoption is great, but the waiting part really sucks. I naively thought, oh, it can't be that hard...right? I mean, waiting is just waiting...think about something else. *turning to myself then and firmly responding as myself NOW* SMACK SMACK!!!!!! I was told, "...enjoy the gathering and paperwork part because you will be doing something..." That was sound, reliable advice...(right Monique? LOL) why in the heck did I not listen more closely!? Jeeeeeeeepers!? I'm always a 'lets get to the next step...yesterday' kind of person. If there's something to be done, lets get it done for crying out loud. For those of you in the 'waiting portion' of your adoption journey...sit tight...IT SUCKS. Its hard, it seems unbearable at times, you will get SICK of people telling you "God's timing is perfect." UGH! I hate that saying. I KNOW that His timing is perfect, that hasn't been a question ever for me...but if you are in the WAITING part it is NOT a helpful little diddy that will help those of us who are waiting endure the waiting. When people tell me this it is abit of a sting...like God's timing is perfect and you are not in it. I know it was not intended to be this at all...but it doesn't make it any easier.

Let me give you a quick rundown of why the waiting is hard and why I feel that its alright to share this with you...well actually I'll say why I can share this now. We have many friends and acquaintances going through adoption and EVERY one of them have said that this is the hardest part and I think its only fair that if you are where I am you can know that you are NOT alone. This part is like waiting for a phone call that feels like it'll never come (if you are being chosen by a birth mom or you are waiting for a referral). You KNOW that God is sovereign, that He loves you, and that He has ever aspect of your adoption journey laid out...buuut you don't get to know what it is nor the timeline...so you can just...WAIT. As much as I didn't really enjoy being pregnant because of different complications or the general discomfort...at least I had alittle bit of a timeline I could count on. I KNEW that I wouldn't be pregnant beyond a certain day...with waiting I don't have any idea at all. I also knew that I had the ability to leave a room if someone was smoking, or I could choose to eat certain foods to benefit my pregnancy...I wasn't in a stressful environment or an abusive relationship. I knew how my family was going to react, I knew that I was loved and that my unborn child was loved; I wanted and planned for this baby. I had absolutes that were tangible. But not with adoption...I have no absolutes except one: THE LORD SPECIFICALLY CALLED US HERE AND NOW.

This waiting process has been a huge matter of looking back to the Lord when I'm feeling like, wait, did we miss something? Are you sure we were supposed to adopt? And obviously judging by what God's provided there isn't a shadow of a doubt, but believe me, my heart still questions. I think because we live in such a instant gratification society the idea of waiting for something that we want 'right now' is basically unfathomable. You mean...I can't have it RIGHT NOW!? Why, no...no you cannot. It is difficult because you are literally stuck in one spot of being unable to change your current situation. I can cry, I can throw a fit, I can talk, I can do it all (and believe me I HAVE!!!), but ultimately the Lord needs to get in my face (like I do with my 4 yr old son and make him look me in the eye because we are nose to nose) and tells me, "Robyn, relax. You need to just be still. Don't you think I've got it under control?" Well yes, Lord I do...but why can't I know alittle bit more? He still hasn't really answered that question yet, but I know what is true...I don't really need to know because I can't handle it yet...I'm not there...I haven't arrived in my heart at a place where He knows I can store what is going to happen in a safe and healthy manner. Ugh! ;) To be perfect huh? In the midst of all my venting here I also know one more absolute...not because the Lord has specifically laid it out for me Himself, but through the lives of families who are on the other side of this waiting part...the families and dearest of friends who come along side me and wrap me in the biggest, most loving hugs and remind me...ITS SO WORTH IT...all of this heartache of not knowing, of waiting, of what you don't see...ITS SO WORTH IT ALL.

To master this frustrating impatience and really believing that the Lord hasn't forgotten...He's got it all in the works and He's got to get my duckies in a row...but its not all about me...its about our precious birth mom and the child she carries...He's getting her duckies in a row...its about the process that she's going through and the heartache that she's enduring that will produce the gold and refined silver of who she is through the choices she's having to make. Because when we stop focusing on ourselves its really about what we are doing to further God's kingdom right? Good grief, when I put it into perspective like that (its not about me!? UGh...again with remembering that) and remembering that this woman NEEDS my love and prayers more than anything...and its not just for her either...when I'm praying for her and this beloved child(ren) I AM doing something. I AM changing my situation because my focus is on God's perfect timing and allowing Him to do what needs to be done. Jeepers, why the struggle?  Hey, I always get here eventually and somehow I can never seem to go about it in the easy way. WHERES MY EASY BUTTON!? Anyway I wanted to share another blog with you that says it all...I may not agree with everything that she says here, but alot of it rings true for both domestic and international adoption...because lets face it...being human and wanting it all  right now kinda go hand in hand. ;) I hope you found abit of relief knowing you aren't the only one struggling through a waiting process and laugh (or cry) through this other blog.

How to Be The Village

by Jen Hatmaker on Wednesday November 02, 2011

194 comments

Sometimes being ever-so-slightly in the public eye is rough. With a mouth and discernment problem like mine, you can imagine. I basically offer my life on the altar of criticism daily, then douse the sacrifice with plenty of fuel to make disparagement a lay-up.

For instance, Brandon and I attended a Halloween party last weekend with the theme “Heroes and Super villains.” Our friends came in such costumes as Captain America and the Joker and Kim Possible. They were all very polished and adorable. We came as washed-up, possibly strung out Superman and Supergirl complete with ripped fishnets, smeared makeup, and pistol tattoo drawn with Sharpie. We may or may not have had unlit cigarettes dangling from the corners of our mouths.

These choices are often met with disapproval from the watching masses, as you might well guess. I know you wish I would only dress up as Little Bo Peep or Mary Mother of Jesus, but Brandon and I are very, very silly and immature, and I’ve been trying to tell you people this for some time.

But usually I am grateful for the connection to the greater world, if only through social media and the miracle of emails (plus embarrassing transparency). For example, just a few days ago, I received this email:

Our good friends just returned from Ethiopia last night with their two little boys. Ok, they've had their "airport" moment and we were right there with them. What are some things we can do now to support them in the "real life" journey without overstepping our boundaries? Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty. Everyone can benefit when you share from your heart.

I was so moved by this email. Having benefited from a community that practically smothered us with support throughout our adoption journey, I am so grateful for all the other good friends out there, loving their people and asking how to help. Since reading this email, I’ve been marinating on her question, and I’ve decided to write this Field Guide to Supporting Adoptive Families. (And it will be brief because I will try to remember that this is a blog and not a manuscript and the rules of blogging include succinctness, so that is exactly how I’ll proceed today, except for the exact opposite of all that.)

Let’s break this down into two categories:

Supporting Families Before the Airport

Your friends are adopting. They’re in the middle of dossiers and home studies, and most of them are somewhere in the middle of Waiting Purgatory. Please let me explain something about WP: It sucks in every way. Oh sure, we try to make it sound better than it feels by using phrases like “We’re trusting in God’s plan” and “God is refining me” and “Sovereignty trumps my feelings” and crazy bidness like that. But we are crying and aching and getting angry and going bonkers when you’re not watching. It’s hard. It hurts. It feels like an eternity even though you can see that it is not. It is harder for us to see that, because many of us have pictures on our refrigerators of these beautiful darlings stuck in an orphanage somewhere while we’re bogged down in bureaucracy and delays.

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. “God’s timing is perfect!” (Could also insert: “This is all God’s plan!” “God is in charge!”) As exactly true as this may be, when you say it to a waiting parent, we want to scratch your eyebrows off and make you eat them with a spoon. Any trite answer that minimizes the struggle is as welcomed as a sack of dirty diapers. You are voicing something we probably already believe while not acknowledging that we are hurting and that somewhere a child is going to bed without a mother again. Please never say this again. Thank you.

2. “Are you going to have your own kids?” (Also in this category: “You’ll probably get pregnant the minute your adoption clears!” “Since this is so hard, why don’t you just try to have your own kids?” “Well, at least you have your own kids.”) The subtle message here is: You can always have legitimate biological kids if this thing tanks. It places adoption in the Back-up Plan Category, where it does not belong for us. When we flew to Ethiopia with our first travel group from our agency, out of 8 couples, we were the only parents with biological kids. The other 7 couples chose adoption first. Several of them were on birth control. Adoption counts as real parenting, and if you believe stuff Jesus said, it might even be closer to the heart of God than regular old procreation. (Not to mention the couples that grieved through infertility already. So when you say, “Are you going to have your own kids?” to a woman who tried for eight years, then don’t be surprised if she pulls your beating heart out like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.)

3. For those of you in Christian community, it is extremely frustrating to hear: “Don’t give up on God!” or “Don’t lose faith!” It implies that we are one nanosecond away from tossing our entire belief system in the compost pile because we are acting sad or discouraged. It’s condescending and misses the crux of our emotions. I can assure you, at no point in our story did we think about kicking Jesus to the curb, but we still get to cry tears and feel our feelings, folks. Jesus did. And I’m pretty sure he went to heaven when he died.

4. We’re happy to field your questions about becoming a transracial family or adopting a child of another race, but please don’t use this moment to trot out your bigotry. (Cluelessness is a different thing, and we try to shrug that off. Like when someone asked about our Ethiopian kids, “Will they be black?” Aw, sweet little dum-dum.) The most hurtful thing we heard during our wait was from a black pastor who said, “Whatever you do, don’t change their last name to Hatmaker, because they are NOT Hatmakers. They’ll never be Hatmakers. They are African.” What the??? I wonder if he’d launch the same grenade if we adopted white kids from Russia? If you’d like to know what we’re learning about raising children of another race or ask respectful, legitimate questions, by all means, do so. We care about this and take it seriously, and we realize we will traverse racial landmines with our family. You don’t need to point out that we are adopting black kids and we are, in fact, white. We’ve actually already thought of that.

5. Saying nothing is the opposite bad. I realize with blogs like this one, you can get skittish on how to talk to a crazed adopting Mama without getting under her paper-thin skin or inadvertently offending her. I get it. (We try hard not to act so hypersensitive. Just imagine that we are paper-pregnant with similar hormones surging through our bodies making us cry at Subaru commercials just like the 7-month preggo sitting next to us. And look at all this weight we’ve gained. See?) But acting like we’re not adopting or struggling or waiting or hoping or grieving is not helpful either. If I was pregnant with a baby in my belly, and no one ever asked how I was feeling or how much longer or is his nursery ready or can we plan a shower, I would have to audition new friend candidates immediately.

Here’s what we would love to hear Before the Airport:

1. Just kind, normal words of encouragement. Not the kind that assume we are one breath away from atheism. Not the kind that attempt to minimize the difficulties and tidy it all up with catchphrases. We don’t actually need for you to fix our wait. We just want you to be our friend and acknowledge that the process is hard and you care about us while we’re hurting. That is GOLD. I was once having lunch with my friend Lynde when AWAA called with more bad news about Ben’s case, and I laid my head down on the table in the middle of Galaxy Café and bawled. Having no idea what to do with such a hot mess, she just cried with me. Thank you for being perfect that day, Lynde.

2. Your questions are welcomed! We don’t mind telling you about the court system in Ethiopia or the in-country requirements in Nicaragua or the rules of the foster system. We’re glad to talk about adoption, and we’re thankful you care. I assure you we didn’t enter adoption lightly, so sharing details of this HUGE PIECE OF OUR LIVES is cathartic. Plus, we want you to know more because we’re all secretly hoping you’ll adopt later. (This is not true.) (Yes it is.)

3. When you say you’re praying for us and our waiting children, and you actually really are, not only does that soothe our troubled souls, but according to Scripture, it activates the heavens. So pray on, dear friends. Pray on. That is always the right thing to say. And please actually do it. We need people to stand in the gap for us when we are too tired and discouraged to keep praying the same words another day.

4. If you can, please become telepathic to determine which days we want to talk about adoption and which days we’d rather you just show up on our doorstep with fresh figs from the Farmer’s Market (thanks, Katie) or kidnap us away in the middle of the day to go see Bridesmaids. Sometimes we need you to make us laugh and remember what it feels like to be carefree for a few hours. If you’re not sure which day we’re having, just pre-buy movie tickets and show up with the figs, and when we answer the door, hold them all up and ask, “Would you like to talk for an hour uninterrupted about waiting for a court date?” We’ll respond to whichever one fits.

Supporting Families After the Airport

You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.

2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries.

3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.

4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here.

6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.

Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:

1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.

2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.

3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.

4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine.

5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.

Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.

Thank you for being the village. You are so important.

Adoptive friends, what can you add? What has been helpful or hurtful? How has your community helped you raise your children? What do friends and family need to hear?